


on loving stars

by CurareChai



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Gen, Other, lots of introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-23 06:39:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2537969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurareChai/pseuds/CurareChai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wanting was insidious, creeping in when he least expected it, taunting him with a bond bigger than romance and deeper than words and more comforting than home. And Kei didn't want very often, preferring to dream or achieve or anything that meant he could do more than stand helpless on the sidelines, but this he wanted.</p><p>Kei is aro and ace and tired and Sugawara gets a lot of metaphors about smiling. Mostly self-indulgent melancholic prose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	on loving stars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



For as long as Kei can remember, he had always been a dreamer. He had been the type to want more than he can possibly achieve for ages and eons now, running after volleyball and Akiteru and Karasuno with a fervor that was only matched by his failure, his want running through the same tracks again and again in the hopes of catching something he couldn’t describe. He would jump and twist and reach and curve his fingers just so to brush against the surface of love. It was like the whole universe conspired with him, like it would come within a breath of happiness, of family and friendship and someone, anyone, who would notice when he was sick or hurting and care. And then he would fall back down to earth, because such was the way of the world when you had no one to hold you up, and you can only shape the world around you for so long. So when he ran towards the net one day, spiked the ball sent his way, turned towards Sugawara-san's smile, luminous with the euphoria of yet another point, and felt that familiar ache in his heart of wanting yet another definition of family, it didn't surprise him at all.

 

He took in a breath and watched as the time seemed to crystallize and freeze, light distorting around him to illuminate the court in his mind, two points away from winning the game and yet so calm it could never be disturbed. In this moment, free from pain for now, he took a last moment to preserve what he could. He imprinted the glint of his eyes, bright with pride and hope and belonging, as the world rushed forwards and the ball hit the court, scoring one more point for Karasuno. Kei watched Sugawara-san take a split second to flash the next team member an encouraging smile and burned that as well into his memory, warmer than fire and impossibly far away. He locked it away, one last refuge against regret, a counterbalance to the first to show himself that he was special, but never unique. Kei ran out of the way as the team regrouped, platitudes washing over him, and dove into the next game point, the next dream, the next. 

 

After the game, he slipped onto the bus. He was unusually late, as he was helping the seniors pack up their gear, and so there were only the two front seats open, Tadashi sitting with Shouyo babbling about some new robot movie. The captain and Asahi-san had already snagged the first one to talk about strategy, so he got into the other, watching Sugawara-san sit down beside him, and for the first time, he leaned in, subconsciously encouraging him to speak about the game. He looked on with what he desperately hoped was impassivity as the setter gestured violently, reenacting one of the last points scored and how the setters and spikers could work together to score better and take some of the stress off of their ace, but found himself bracing forwards despite himself, fascinated by his quiet intelligence and the strategy he employed, the lyrical quality of his lilting voice . The images he made with his hands lit up the space between them, Kei's headphones left forgotten around his neck for once as he spent an entire bus ride entraptured by the pulse of his words ringing in his ears instead, the hours and miles falling behind them in a blur. And when he got up, stretching out his body from the strain of the game and the cramped bus space, he realized that he might possibly be in love. 

 

The thing about love, Kei had found over the years, is that it rarely changes anything, and never for the better. He woke up and went to school and played volleyball and went to sleep, and if his dreams were sleepywarm with the curl of Sugawara-san's fingers as he sent the ball across the court, tucking a lock of his hair behind his ears with the same delicate touch, or if his eyes watched the arc of his back instead of the arc of the ball, reveling in the joy the other felt in playing the game, well it wasn't any different from the days he would spend practising until his arms hurt to lift them, watching Akiteru watch him from a window. It would fade with time. For now, he treasured the sting, and waited each morning to say a curt greeting when he walked into the gym in exchange for the gift of a smile brighter than a galaxy of stars. 

 

As with all things, the end came, infinitely sooner than he had hoped it would, but later than it could have. It wasn’t some dramatic moment, a slow-motion flashback turned to gray by movie magic. It was the little things, the way Sugawara-san teased Yachi about being with them when she could be hanging out with friends or a boyfriend, or the way he played volleyball like it was a time-killer, like flipping through a magazine in a lobby, and he loved the sport, but knew there was so much more out there he would do. It was the way he would make Kei’s stomach do backflips, not because of happiness but because of resignation, of understanding that Sugawara-san didn’t see the world in the way Kei had to. At a practice game, a point down and close to the middle of the match, he tipped the ball over the net, scoring a point and turning around for the inevitable praise in some attempt to create team camaraderie. Tadashi and Ennoshita-san looked suitably impressed as always, but as he looked at Sugawara-san, he realized that he was preoccupied, picking yet another person to impart the feeling of being valued. As he fell into formation, he realized that he didn’t feel a loss, as he had every other time he had looked up to see his eyes, radiant with awe, aimed at another player. 

 

He blinked, looking at him, sure that the entire team would catch him staring, but as much as he wanted a friend, partner, person who would treasure him, it seemed his body had finally resigned itself to the second rule of wanting things, that he couldn’t live on daydreams alone. That above all, eventually it would all go back to the way it was, the world revolving the way it always had, because one boy looking for warmth and love and trust and friendship would never make the planets listen. He finished the game out, using the pretense of locking up after practice to stay on the court, seeking consolation in love that would never leave him, practicing serving until, tired of everything that life would bring, he slumped against the wall and let go.

 

Seconds or minutes or years later, the sound of a silence warmer than words echoed through the court, stirring Kei from his stupor against the wall of the gym. He stood up, brushing the wrinkles out of his uniform and this love out of his heart, stretching his arms up to feel the burn of his muscles protesting at moving on. He smiled, bittersweet. It's not like it mattered after all, wants were meant to be craved, the desire thrumming in his bones the reward as well as the task. If he had hoped to realize them as well, that would stay between him and the stars, another hurt to neutralize in a galaxy of empty space. For now, he slid his headphones on, locking the door behind him and letting the finality of the click of the lock ring in his mind, and walked forward. There was practice tomorrow after all, so he could probably get a fair few hours of training in before then.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for boyfriend, as a treat for part of the Interhigh Challenge, so i hope you like it! Also thank god there's someone else who likes tsukki and suga together, even though suga is like not even in this fic im so sorry. I tried really hard to write queerplatonic affection, but im just one aro kid, so if there are any glaring errors, or anything that offends anyone, let me know. More fic and general shenaniganry is at curarechai.tumblr.com, if anyone's interested!


End file.
